I am already tired and overwhelmed from this semester. It has barely been three weeks…
I think I am going to fail out of duke this semester.
I wish this was one of those exaggerated claims people throw around on the C-1 everyday.
am totally in love with someone who is graduating soon. don’t know how to deal with this. i don’t want stupid alcohol to be involved when i say listen, i’m totally in love with you. this person is constantly making self available to me on im, email, etc, heavy flirting. but when i kind of approached it once, this person said had a partner of some kind, never mentioned before or since. terrified.
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I hate crying myself to sleep every night.
I hate walking around and looking upset, even though I’m trying my hardest to stay strong.
I hate realizing that I’m falling behind in my classes.
I hate having a broken heart…
But I especially, especially hate the fact that I can’t move on and that, despite how much he’s hurt me, I still love him.
Honestly, it disappoints me to see so many people here feeling sad and regretful. I’m a second semester sophomore and independent and Duke has been the best thing that has happened to me thus far. Sure, there are times I feel like I’m not as pretty, smart, or driven as many of the people her but then I remember why I am here. I’m here to get a great education, meet some of the most interesting students/teachers out there, and push myself physically, mentally, and emotionally to grow to be the best I can be. This place is filled with so much opportunity for us to do whatever we want. There’s something special that each of us have to bring to the table, that’s why we’re here. Life here gets rough, the competition is cutthroat, but I’m here because Duke saw something special in me and I know that as long as put my best foot forward always and keep going, someday I’ll realize what that special thing is for myself.
I cheated on my boyfriend last semester. He was sweet and caring, he just wanted me to be happy and for me to be his. I felt so in control, like for once I was the one being chased in a relationship and it felt great. I guess I felt safe enough that he would never hurt me, so I created a reason why things couldnt work. I probably did everything to him that I would never want to be done to me. Hurting him is the worst thing I’ve ever done. Now I’m with someone at Duke and I keep judging myself based on what I did to the last guy, thinking he’ll wake up one day and see me the way my ex does. I’ve never given him a reason to worry, I’ve done everything to be the best girlfriend and show him how much I care and want him to be happy. I know he’d never cheat but what if his feelings change? Though I’m sure to a point he knows about last semester, he says that doesnt affect who I am to him. I just wonder how he can still want me and like me. I’d never seen myself as anything special before my ex and I see less now. I’m just waiting for my boyfriend to realize that as hard as I try, even if I never cheat on him, I’ll never be the perfect girlfriend and that he deserves more. But until the day he realizes it, the little voice in my head will make sure I never forget it.
I have so much love to give, but it seems like no one wants it
I wish I had more courage — courage to look people in the eye when they talk to me, to speak up in a classroom, to major in what I really love and am passionate about, to tell the guy I like who’s leaving in a month that I like him (and not care about the consequences or what happens after that), to live my life the way I (and not others) want it to be lived.
I wish I was prettier, smarter, more confident, more overachieving, more extroverted… but I’m stuck with being me. I wish I could feel like my life is going somewhere, but when I compare myself to my friends, I always fall short and I feel like I have no future.
What did you do to me, Duke? Why did you take all of my shortcomings and insecurities and just throw them at my face? I’ve never felt like this before…
… and the guilt and self-hatred that I feel about it has literally taken over my life.